I come and I go, but where is that?

I travel a good bit, probably about 8-10 weeks per year. So it is very often that I am either coming home, or I am going away from it. Being alone much of the time, I often dwell on what it means to be isolated and a wonderer.

So, what exactly does this mean: “home”? To me “home” is family and friends, and not a physical place. So, If my family and friends were in North Korea, then that would be home. To some this may make sense, but in a nationalistic country like the USA, this often is seen as treason of some sort. To say that I live in North Korea would make me an enemy, despite the fact that it is just a geographical entity. Aren’t North Koreans or Iranians or Iraqis or Afghanis just people with family and friends who live in a geographical region? Why do we have to hate people just because of this fact? It makes no sense to me.

I guess this is why I often have trouble feeling/being proud to be an American. I don’t feel some kind of great, proud, nationalistic identity. In fact, our history of warfare, slavery, and ethnic genocide of the native peoples really disturbs me. Fellow Americans, I hope some of this disturbs you too. So why do some of you think we are so great and our cause always so just? Why are so many of you blind to your hatred?

I really wish I understood this. Because, I think it is human nature to be territorial. But maybe there are laws and limitations to this. I mean really, is afghanistan or Iraq going to invade our country? Yes, there were the terroristic attacks of 9/11, and I think that is all part of the strife here. That modern technology has blurred the line between human nature (being territorial) and over aggression. Perhaps, it is just a self correcting system and Karma will eventually bite us in the ass.

Maybe it already has.

Buddha along side the road

Buddha Along Side the Road

hey Buddha

as i was going to work

i saw you sittin along the road

so i had to run you over

but the strangest thing happened

on my way back

you were still there

so i did it again

but the next morning

you were still there

so i smiled and drove on by

and then you were gone

The Plan

In my previous post, I decided to perform a rite of a vision quest. Like everything, and true to my roots, I need to devise a plan for my vision quest. Some things that I need to contemplate: when? where? how long? what should I bring? what should I do?

When, The Schedule:

• Fri/Sat/Sun in October (mid to late)
• Full Moon preferable

Where, The Place:

• PA
• MD – Western
• WV – Cranberry Glades, Dolly Sods, Otter Creek
• VA -

What, The Quest:

Up and down and up and down

These last couple of weeks I’ve really immersed myself in buddhist, meditative, and mindfulness studies. In particular studies on the subconscious mind, the ego, and general buddhist studies. This whole ego thing just has me in a tailspin. I am very open minded and usually comprehend quickly, but its just like the whole thing doesn’t make sense (at times, and depending on what kind of mood I’m in).

I was in such a whirl today that I could feel my anger and frustration level rising so I cleaned up and went for a bike ride to distract my mind. It seems to have done the trick, but now I’m afraid to pick up my studies again. I keep taking a dualist approach to this, and that just doesn’t work. Its like one day I get it and my mind feels calm, then I gradually wind up, then I begin to calm down, then I get angry and irritated about it.

What does seem to make sense more and more and more is that I’ve never gone on a vision quest / retreat of sorts, to be still and contemplate all this without distraction. Backpacking used to give me focus and help me reconnect with nature, and since I quit backpacking 5 yrs ago, I feel sort of displaced. I just cant get over the selfish feelings of leaving my family for 2-3 days every so often. Before I started backpacking and even while I was a bper, I’ve always contemplated going on a visions quest of self-discovery. I like to think that this can be done internally, but it just doesn’t seem to work. I think I need to work out a plan…..

About Me Part 1: ToroTech and The Philosophy of ToroTech

I am everything and I am nothing.

An Athiest today, Agnostic tomorrow.

Humanist

Buddhist

Skeptic

Universalist

Free-Thinker

Existentialist

I am all of these titles

I am none of these titles

I live without boundaries.

I live without titles

I live without fear

Love

Love is all I need

Call this Diary Entry Number 1

I welcome myself back to wordpress and this project I started a long time ago. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately and just need to get it all out.

So have how have I been doing? I’ve been reading a lot of meditation and mindfulness books lately. Practicing meditation mostly unsuccesfully – but thats more operator error. However, while meditation has been going well, my mindfulness has. I’ve had several days now that have gone extremely well. Its been a bit like a roller coaster in this regard the last couple of weeks. It seems that my mindfulness is very high on the weekend or when I’m away from work, and then it goes downhill from there. I think this is because I have the most trouble with the eightfold path when I’m at work. I just dont feel that I have the control like I do when I’m at home. That and the stress of office politics.

When I’m at home, I’m for the most part surrounded by love, peace, and positivity/youthfulness. Especially Jewels, she may be whiny, but she is an eternal optimist (Princess too for that matter – she’s just more moody like me).